Why you SHOULD forget your first love: The memories 'can ruin all your future relationships'

    They say that you never forget your first love.

    But perhaps you should, because memories of it can wreck your relationships for life, research suggests.

    Sociologists found that the euphoria of young love can become an unrealistic benchmark against which all future romances are judged.

    Four-year passion: Kate Moss and Johnny Depp

    According to the report, the best way to ensure long-term happiness in a relationship is not to fixate on how you fell head over heels the first time.

    Those who take a more pragmatic view of what they need from a relationship rather than striving to recreate the intense passion they once shared with an old flame are more likely to have successful long-term partneship, it argues.

    The claim comes in Changing Relationships, a collection of research papers edited by Dr Malcolm Brynin, of the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex.

    He said: 'Remarkably, it seems that the secret to long-term happiness in a relationship is to skip a first relationship.'

    ‘In an ideal world you would wake up already in your second relationship. If you had a passionate first relationship and allow that feeling to become your benchmark, it becomes inevitable that future, more adult partnerships will seem boring and a disappointment.

    ‘The problems start if you try not only to get everything you need for an adult relationship, but also strive for the heights of excitement and intensity you had in your first experience of love.

    Unrealistic benchmark: Research claims the intense passion of a first relationship can damage future romances (posed by models)

    'The solution is clear: if you can protect yourself from intense passion in your first relationship, you will be happier in your later relationships.'

    It is a message Kate Moss might take on board. The model met Johnny Depp when she was 21 and they had a four-year romance.

    Years later, when asked about the men in her life, she replied: ‘I just haven’t found anyone I want to spend long periods with. I don’t think I’ve completely got over my relationship with Johnny Depp.’

    The book has provoked fierce debate among academics.

    Professor Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, suggests striving for that initial intensity of emotion can help relationships survive.

    Using MRI scans, she observed similar brain activity among those who had been happily married for more than two decades with those who had been in relationships for less than six months.

    She said: ‘I found incontrovertible, physiological evidence that romantic love can last.’

    The book also examines why people pick partners with a similar social background.

    为什么你应该忘记初恋？因为回忆会毁了未来。

    人们总说，初恋是难以忘怀的。

    但是研究表明，你应该要忘记初恋，因为对初恋的美好记忆会成为你在之后的人生中处理恋爱关系的绊脚石。

    社会学家们发现，人们往往将自己现在的恋情与当初热情似火的初恋进行比较，但这个标准其实非常不切实际。

    （四年的恋情：凯特莫斯与约翰德普）

    据报道，要维持一段长期良好的恋爱关系，最有效的方法就是不要总想自己初恋时是如何如何的浪漫与投入。

    报道还称，比起那些一心想要重温初恋般甜蜜的人，对感情务实的人更容易获得长久、幸福的爱情。

    这份报告是对埃塞克斯大学社会与经济研究所的马尔科姆布赖恩博士关于“关系变化”的一系列调研论文的整理。

    马尔科姆布赖恩博士说：“显然，恋情甜蜜长久的秘诀就是忘记初恋。”

    “在理想的状况下，人们会从第二段恋情伊始就学会现实和保留。如果你恰巧拥有一段非常浪漫幸福的初恋，并将其作为自己日后爱情的榜样的话，那么在将来，你难免会觉得成熟的爱情乏味无趣，令人失望。

    “如果你不仅仅是追求一段成熟的恋情，还期望它能像初恋一样激动人心、如火如荼，那么麻烦就来了。

    （不切实际的标准：研究表明初恋的幸福会毁了日后的浪漫）

    “解决的方法其实很简单。如果你能够不沉迷于往日的激情，你就能在其后的恋情中体验更多的幸福。”

    凯特莫斯就是个很好的例子。这位漂亮的模特21岁时认识了约翰德普，于是两人的关系急速升温，甜蜜拍拖，相恋4年之后分手。

    多年后，当有人向凯特询问起她的白马王子，她说：“我还没有找到一个我想共度今生的人。我想我还没有完全从约翰德普的阴影中走出来。”

    此书的发行在学术界引起了一场激烈的探讨。

    海伦费希尔教授是新泽西州罗格斯大学的人类学家，她认为追求最初的激情有利于一段感情的维持。

    她利用MRI，分析幸福结合超过两年的夫妻以及刚恋爱不到六个月情侣，观察到他们有着相似的大脑活动。

    她说：“心理上确凿的证据无疑说明了只有浪漫的爱情才能持久。”

    书中还阐释了为什么人们总选择社会背景相似的伴侣。